reeer reeer reeer

that's the sound an air guitar makes. reeer reeer reeer. or lion claws.

today was a beautiful rainy thunderstormy day. aunt linda hates thunder. today e bought a shiny new bike while the fam stayed home and did laundry. we also went to walmart where e & j scooped their own fish. that is against store policy.

so after dinner e, j and grandma played cards while lindy sat on the couch with the occasional comment. we heard lots of classic grandma stories. like when she almost died while giving birth to our uncle but didn't feel like dying yet. and about how she used to hang out with her gaurdian angel until she started stealing. and boy did she steal. she used to steal her step-father's rations. it would suck to have to get rations. it would suck more to have them stolen. but apparently he was an asshole. and it's not stealing. it's confiscating. before school when she was in the second grade she confiscated cream and stuffed green olives for her sister for breakfast and they got so sick on them that they barely made it to school. now that's the breakfast of champions. i could go on. but i won't.

so grandma had thirteen brothers and sisters. THIRTEEN. that's a fucking lot. christ. anyway the point is one of her sister's husbands or something died and was cremated. and his cats died and were cremated. and whenever a cat died and was cremated they would bury it with him. and his wife was fixin to die and be buried next to him. so one day grandma was talking to his son and pointed out how it was pretty funny that her brother-in-law was "living" every man's dream of being buried with his wife and four pussies. that's the big joke. now that's kinda funny, right? but the best part was that grandma laughed so hard when she was telling this story that she started crying. real tears. not of sadness that her siblings are dead, but that it was so damned funny that this guy was being buried with four pussies. and she kept repeating "four pussies." have you ever heard a seventy one year old woman say "pussy" over and over? it's classic.

there was much much more today, but how can one remember such a quantity of hilarious banter? j and e are going to have to start taking notes or something. tomorrow e, j, grandma, & aunt linda are going to the damned d-day museum so someone (i'm not naming names) will stop talking about it on the hour every hour. speaking of clockwork, someone has some issues with the bathroom. i don't know what's going on in there, but every fifteen minutes means you need to see your doctor or something. i mean, you're in there for ten minutes, so i guess if you are spending more time in than out, something's wrong. ya know?

tomorrow promises to be another stellar day. especially if we make it to the casino. boo-ya.

yesterday

so this is brand new and so j and i have to post what happened yesterday because yesterday rocked my face off. and gave me a headache.

first off, the coolest thing ever was i paid j $2 to drink a cup of syrup in dennys. and she did it. she chugged that shit like it was vodka. i laughed. and grandma grimmaced.

secondly, we are engaged in the eternal struggle between grandma and aunt linda. little flare ups occur throughout the day, each more threatening than the last due to weariness of the troops. yesterday we witnessed water throwing and threats of milkshake hats and foots up asses. it was spectacular. not to mention a certain someone showed their ass while attempting to purchase a $4,000 necklace.

another interesting point is that our waitress dropped grandma's ribs on the floor. this was to be widely discussed throughout the day. as were the outfits to be worn at the upcoming special events.

vulgarity was rampant. all day.

we are still being interrupted with constant updates on the status of morning showers, bed making and other assorted niceties. we will keep you posted as things develop.

xo
e&j